Loose Pages

Well, here it is October 2nd. Where did the time go since August 7th? 

Surgery went well if you call an entire lung removal well but it is what it is. I was on pain meds the first week home. Opiods. I took what I was allowed (enough for one week) as I was in pain but after that I didn't want anymore. I relied on Tylenol or just dealt with it. Parts of a couple of ribs were also removed just to make sure. I have been numb mostly on the left side because of the cutting through the nerves but now here almost 2 months later I am regaining some feeling and I must say it doesn't feel good - but I am glad I am getting some feeling back. 

I was weak. Slept a lot in the recliner. Bryan stayed home with me for the first two weeks which was such a help. He has been wonderful thorough all of this. Maddie came and stayed with me a few hours for a couple of days and then school started. 

My incision has healed wonderfully and looks great and doesn't really hurt at all. Dr. Mawulawde did a wonderful job! I couldn't have asked for a better surgeon. When I went in to see him for a follow up after surgery he said "Gail, I promise you it will get better." I told him about how I was feeling and he said I was probably depressed. 

Mentally, I was a wreck. I had some very hard times mentally thinking about my death and where I wanted to be buried (down the street from us) and what services I wanted (none). I thought about having to leave my family and I thought about joining my sister, mom and dad. I thought about life and how short it really is. I still get depressed - that's just how I am. I think I have been depressed all of my life. Getting back to work and not sitting around the house I think will help a lot. I won't be so "alone in my thoughts." I was especially depressed that  my family in Michigan gave so little thought to what I was going through. I barely heard/hear from them and of all the get well cards I received since March (and I received a lot - even from my ex-husband and his wife) I didn't receive one from them. I read on Facebook how they travel here and there and party here and there - I have invited them down here I don't know how many times and they just drive right by. I have learned that family is not always blood. The family dynamics have changed so much since my sister died. She was my connection to what I have/had left in Michigan. 

My brother called a couple of times and I'm not sure he knows how to deal with it all. His wife died at home from cancer a few years ago while the family watched in horror as blood was everywhere when an artery burst. He works a lot and plans on coming down to visit when he doesn't have to do lawn care anymore (his business). He also used to do snow removal but now since he turned 60 he was able to collect on his wife's social security so he can relax a bit now too as he has a bad back and just had to keep working to make ends meet. He came to visit about a year or so ago after our sister died. He is my only connection left to my "past" with my mom, dad and sister. 

I am using my spirometer but breathing can still be a little hard at times. Not really hard I just get winded easily when I am doing chores. Not awful, but I'm sure I have to build my lung function up somewhat. I will never be a marathon runner or climb Mt. Everest but damn it I will be able to breathe just not as good as people with two lungs :) I am not on oxygen or any kind of inhalers, etc. 

The pathology report shows no signs of cancer - praise the Lord, I am so blessed. But the surgeon and oncologists agreed that follow-up chemo would be a good idea, but that decision was entirely up to me but I agreed as well. Who wouldn't want to do everything that they could to prevent recurrence? So, yesterday, October 1, I had my first round of chemo.  Carboplatin/Alimta combo once every 3 weeks for 4 cycles. It will be stronger this time and they said I would probably be sicker. We shall see. Side effects of course are inevitable but again, it is what it is. 

I plan on going back to work on Tuesday, October 9th - hopefully. I am mentally and physically feeling better - except for breathing sometimes and with the chemo I will just take each day as it comes. My place of employment, Grace Mennonite Church has worked with me since my sicknesses began - the first of March. I am so thankful for them and I am so blessed that they are thankful still for me and anxious to see me back in the office. 

I am glad it is now fall. It has always been my favorite season. The hot humidity won't be around and hopefully I can improve on my walking and breathing without the heat of the summer. A lot has happened to me since March and it is so true, your life can change in the blink of an eye as it happened to me. 

Till next time.....God's blessings to you!

"The days of our lives are 70 years; and if by reason of strength they are eighty years, yet their boast is only labor and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away......so teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom....oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days!" Psalm 90:10, 12, 14.